The Elephant in my Life

This is going to be an honest post, stop here if you can’t stand honesty.

I have an Elephant in my Life; several of them really but this about the bull elephant. The bull elephant in my life is this, I am bipolar and suffer from PTSD.

Sadly for me it took almost a decade of in and out counseling to finally find someone to see the pattern and recognize it for what it is. The PTSD is easy to see if you can get me to talk about my brain and reactions; which is hard given my history. What is even hard though, is taking care of me and taking the meds that make life more manageable. I was 22ish when I finally got told what the issue was. It took a lot to go back in and ask again for help. The medical professional that I last saw said depression, gave me meds for depression which in a week of time spiraled me out of control.

I hit the bottom of life on antidepressants; it’s a common reaction for bipolar and some antidepressants. I found myself curled up in my boyfriends bed, not eating, crying, not sleeping, and suicidal. The only change I could find in my life were the drugs. So I dropped them cold turkey; not how you are supposed to stop taking them by the way. Once they washed from my system I started to get my mind back under control and made it back to classes and work the next Monday. It was a long trek back up to ‘normal’ and it found me with Shadow. She rescued me more than I rescued her 🙂

After this episode I was hesitant to ask or get near help again. It took another bad episode in life to finally find help and be vulnerable enough to show the whole broken puzzle. I finally have a drug that works well, when I take it, and medical professionals that I trust enough to be vulnerable with.

Why do I suck at taking the drug that I know works? because I lived with my brain so long that it’s hard to have if ‘fixed’. It’s hard to be okay not responding to the triggers like I have for years. Yes, I know I do a lot better with life when I am taking them. Yes, I know that I don’t struggle in my relationships when I take it. But it’s hard given how long that it was a struggle.

It is a daily challenge! I know what my triggers are and I can tell flat out when I am off my meds. Does my outward personality flex much, I don’t know, you would have to ask Hubby 🙂 My brain swings though and flits back to past events at the drop of a pin and sends me down the rabbit hole.

It’s made me sensitive though to the common slang that revolves around with the phrase bipolar being tossed around. You shift your mind or change, you are behaving like a bipolar. It’s not something to joke about because you never know if the person you are talking to is, or if the person you are talking about is struggling with it.

That is my bull elephant. I am bipolar and have PTSD. I didn’t ask for them, I don’t want them. But I have them, and I am living with them. Yes, they direct my behavior somewhat. No, you can’t see it; usually. No, your poor girl attitude doesn’t help. Let me have my panic attacks and provide safety; but not coddling. If you know the behavior and the issues, overlook my one off days. Don’t baby me. Don’t protect me. Be my friend and let me live.


PS- I got engaged and married before I was ever medicated and it was my future Hubby’s bed that I curled up in. Yes, I managed to find that amazing man early on in life 🙂


About Tara B.
Hi, I am Tara B. and its great to meet you!! I am an outgoing person with introvert tendencies. I have two amazing dogs that I love and adore! You will hear about them and their adventures a lot :D I also have the most amazing husband! Together he and I have Miss Go Go (you'll also see her referred to as Baby B) that was born in the spring of 2015. She is smart, quick learner, and loves to mimic everything she sees. I love to cook, bake, try to stay healthy, and read. I love to explore my area (and the world when life allows), and seek out fun things to do. You want more information just ask! I am horrible at writing "About You" sections...:) If you have any questions, comments, ect I can be reached at

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